Do you ever get like super vulnerable late at night that you just want to spill your heart out and say how you feel because you’ve been holding it in for so long and you just need some ventilation and there’s just something about two in the morning that makes me lose my filter and say the things I would never have the guts to say when the sun is up.
the nights were mainly made for saying things that you can’t say tomorrow day
Please excuse any grammatical and spelling errors. I wrote this out of the need to open up, and worrying about the former and latter are of absolute least priority for me right now in terms of this post.
I have no idea what’s going on with me. I think I need to go see someone because as of late I’ve been feeling super depressed lately. There’s images that I keep seeing that I don’t ever want to see again that constantly haunt me in my dreams. She basically destroyed my perception of all that’s good in a relationship in one night. It basically happened on a Friday, August 16th 2013, and unfortunately I remember it vividly.
It was at a party. Her and my group of friends decide to go to a party. I didn’t drink much because I wanted to make sure that all my friends, including her, would be okay. I kind of wish I did. Throughout the entire party, she keeps inching away from me, practically ignoring me by pretending to “go hard” with her girlfriends. My friend Steve, who was in a friends-with-benefits situation with my other friend Kay, was basically in a similar boat. I remember her announcing “Fuck guys sometimes!” with my friend Kay, since Kay was trying to get Steve jealous by trying to hit on the owner of the house. I decide to give them space, but I got a heart-dropping feeling that she may possibly do something irresponsible tonight. I had a terrible feeling.
They start playing beer pong. She partners with another dude at the party, probably the biggest poser I’ve ever seen. As the night goes on, I pretend to have fun by watching them play and sipping on the shittiest beer that I’ve ever tasted in my entire life. I feel so damn paranoid and nervous, I went outside to smoke some weed with some strangers who offered. It was a damn shame that the bud was the schwaggest shit I’ve ever smoked. Shitty beer and shitty weed. I was seriously considering doing coke with the dude in the bathroom.
I come back and she’s winning with her partner. In between shots, she hugs the guy, seductively looking into his eyes every time she does it. She finally beats them, and she celebrates, grabbing a 40 off the chair she was standing by and drinks a large amount of it. Kay comes in, Smirnoff ice in her hand, and starts making out with her. She made out with someone who is not me. Cool. She’s a girl, so that makes it okay. All the guys in the room start cheering them on and they start making their way to an empty room nearby. I get up and try to find more booze to drown that uneasy churning in my stomach. Too bad I didn;t bring a handle with my to that party. All the booze was pretty much gone, and the potheads already passed out on the couch.
"Dude, your girl is in a room with another girl, go get it!"
Still feeling as confident as a fucking King Henry the 8th execution victim, I go in there and see them making out on a bed.
"GET OUT. GET OUT OF HERE NOW, BRANDON!"
I ask why, but she keeps on repeating the same phrase. To get out. Shot down in sheer rejection by my girlfriend to another girl, I make my way out, until her beer pong partner walks in hoping to join in on the fun. Him too was forced to get out, and we both strut out of the room.
He nudges me aside and he goes in. After a couple minutes, Kay leaves and room as I wait for them outside.
"Yeah she’s with him right now, Brandon."
The most heart-breaking words I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I didn’t know what to do. She not only hooked up with another girl and rejected me, but she is in the process of hooking up with some random dude she met at a party while she was playing beer pong. I start hyperventilating and go outside.
My friend who was at the same party but was outside smoking a cig sees me crying.
"Why are you crying?"
I tell her what happened, and she totally dismisses it.
"She likes you a lot, I don’t know what you’re talking about. A couple days ago, she told me all about how you…"
And she would give me bullshit stories about how well I’ve treated her and made her feel like a princess. How she enjoyed spending time with me, how I was different.
But all that didn’t see to matter anymore because it was pretty obvious that she drank enough alcohol to make her horny as fuck. And it didn’t matter to her that I was the one who helped her get out of trouble at work. It didn’t matter to her I gave her a place to sleep at night when her mom kicked her out of the house and had to hide her from my parents. It didn’t matter if I was her boyfriend. What matters to her is cheating on me at a party, and I saw it happen. I saw the entire thing happen with my very own eyes. And no one at that party can do anything about it. No one cares. I don’t have a girlfriend anymore. I’m all alone. I didn’t see her come out but I glanced over and I saw her pass out on the couch. I have no idea where that other guy was, but I’m not the type that would go and confront someone. That guy was pretty much gone after I came back inside.
I sat next to her, and she was completely out. I held her hand, in a pathetic sort of way that sort of signified my way of saying that I didn’t want this to happen and that I didn’t want her to slip away from me. I didn’t know if it was my fault, but it happened. And there’s nothing I can do about it.
The ride home was really nerve-wrecking and really awkward. Steve was pissed that he saw Kay try to hook up with the owner of the house and failed miserably, yet he was still able to confront her and tell her about how he felt and how fucked up it was how she intentionally did that in front of him as a means of getting him jealous. I was not that type. I’m not confrontational. And if I was, it didn’t matter because she was already out, and it would have been like talking to a brick wall.
Steve dropped me off in front my my house, and I said bye to everyone. Her responsiveness was just not there. I stumbled up to my bed and cried the entire night quietly until I fell asleep.
I woke up the next morning and texted her. She told me she was okay and that she didn’t want to see or talk to anyone today because she was “hungover”. Later that night she calls me back and announces that she wants to break up with me. Acting as nonchalant as possible, I pretend to act like it was such a big surprise, and she even vowed to stay friends and even would be down to hook up. It’s sad to see myself being so caught up on being able to have sex with her again, an act that is barely even remotely related to something that is a part of a relationship. So pathetic. We hang up after there is an awkward silence. That was the end of it. She cheated on me and broke up with me the next day.
Til this day, I get nightmares. Nightmares of that same image of seeing her with my friend Kay on the bed making out, seeing her reject me to join in, seeing that guy walk in, and seeing me get kicked out. Seeing him walk in and seeing Kay get kicked out was the worst memory I’ve ever had in my brain. And it’s still there, imprinted in my brain, and whenever I think about it, it just replays and replays and replays. It’s like a cycle that will never end. I’m literally scared to go to sleep every night because I would dream about it, and the dream would seem so real, the same emotions and thoughts that ran through my head would come back, and that same scenario is relived in my nightmares. Every night, I fear of seeing it again.
Trust me, I’ve tried not thinking about it. But the fact that it’s locked back in my head makes it accessible for my brain to pull it out and unravel that shit every time I go to sleep and dream.
I need help. I’m so glad I have my friends who have been trying to help get my mind off it. Keeping busy, being productive and continuing on with life really helps. It’s just that I had going to sleep.
And this is why I am so scared of relationships. I’m terrified of finding a girl who thinks I’m special, who likes me for me and for no other reason, and genuinely thinks I’m fit to be with her. But when those feelings, emotions, and thoughts are thrown away in one night, that’s when all my faith in humanity gets destroyed.
I forgive her, and I want to forget, but I can’t. I simply can’t.
That’s why all I’ve been doing is totally dismissing school, recklessly mistreating my diabetes, trying to hook up with girls, living life with the hopes that I’ll forget, but I can’t.
The pain will lessen as time goes by, but it’ll still be there. Always.